Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Farewell 2007.

This is a non-lineage related entry. Really made more because I needed to put it down someplace and because I know I have some readers that are friends, not clanmates or people that even play L2 that read this just to find out what's going on from time to time. So...if you want to read L2 stuff, skip this post.


Here's to a better 2008

2007 draws to a close, and hopefully with it the end of one of the most unfortunate years that I can remember in my personal history. So, here's my year in review.

January, my father is diagnosed with lung cancer. We spend a week in the hospital with him as a family. The doctors say he will likely not make it through the year. They prescribe a treatment of chemotherapy and radiation. My father is 79 years of age at this point, his body has a bad reaction to the chemotherapy, and discontinues the chemo but continues radiation. My employer is kind enough to allow me a day a week to take my father for his radiation treatment. We begin our weekly routing of going to radiation in the morning, lunch after and the trip to the pharmacy for whatever medication he may be low on that particular day. The routine is comforting to us, I think in the back of our minds we are comforted that we can spend some time together as we are aware of the inevitable.

March, my father's radiation therapy is completed and they say the tumor in his lung has shrunk to just about half of its original size which exceeded their expectations. I turn 37.

Over the course of the year we visit my parents for the various family occasions that occur, such as mother's day, father's day, etc. I notice that my father's decreased lung capacity has really affected his everyday life more than I had anticipated as he cannot walk up and down his block without being out of breath, a trip to the store entails several stops just to rest. The times we visit him we are not always sure of what to expect as sometimes he is talkative and much like his old self, other times he is withdrawn and his weight fluctuates more than we are comfortable with.

June, a former clanmate Ryan's(Mong) life is tragically taken in a car accident. He was a prominent figure on my server as well as a World of Warcraft server.

August Aleena is allowed to become hero on Bartz on the MMO, Lineage 2.

September I take a trip to Germany to pick up my car.

October, my father has difficulty breathing and is admitted to the hospital again. He is diagnosed with pneumonitis and periacarditis, which I think they explained is a swelling of the tissue around his heart and lungs. I spend 4 days there with him until they release him. I spend Saturday taking him home.

Sunday I have a free day after 4 days in the hospital.

Tuesday my sister in law dies suddenly at the age of 51. My sister was an amazing woman who I never really appreciated as much until afterwards, I think this is common with everyone...we don't always realize what we had until its gone (this will be the first of several cliches I will use in this entry). She was a twice divorced mother at the age of 51, she took care of her mother, the mortgage for her home, sent one child to college in another state, and was helping the younger of her sons with college applications. She was very involved in his life, attending all of his sporting events wether he played that game or not, she showed up just to show her pride for her son and support the team. She was the treasurer for her church. She led an active social life, and continued to date during all of this, to this day I wish I had half her energy. The family is devastated, my wife and father in law still have not delpleted their store of tears.

Normally this time of year is reserved for holiday shopping, planning a thanksgiving menu, being with the ones you love, planning our tree trimmming party, making fun of my sister in law's funny christmas outfits and broaches. We spend 7pm monday night-11am tuesday morning in the hospital watching as her heart stops for 8-11 times, I lose count, before the family decides to sign the paperwork to let her go. We all shed tears freely and some uncontrollably as we watch her heart stop for the last time. She dies of a pulmonary embolism. At least we are with the ones we love.

"Do you need any christmas cards for your sister? Because I don't have one anymore...", My wife says as she places a few cards on the table. Few moments have been quite as poignant as this one was for me, I think at that time I felt all the sadness and depression of this year come to a head. It was unexpected and the expression had so much finality to it, I felt my heart sink and I held back as much as I could to not break down again after losing her. I would never think of Donna as an in-law, because she never made me feel like one. It was her way, there was no step-this half-that in-law-whoever, she just treated you like we were brothers sisters aunts uncles cousins or whoever. A person so optimistic and loving is a rarity in this world, and we are lessened with out her presence.

The holiday season will be a difficult one as she was commonly the center of most holiday gatherings, as either she or my wife would host the majority of them. She will be missed greatly. We skip doing holiday cards this year, my wife and I feel as if it'll be okay if we skip a year as my wife sends response cards to all the attendants to her sister's funeral instead.

George (Phalnax), an acquaintance and clanmate from my MMO loses the fight to cancer after several years at the age of 24.

December 23. My father is admitted to the hospital again, I spend parts of christmas eve and christmas in the hospital visiting him. He is much worse than I have ever seen him. His weight loss is staggering, he is unable to walk or go to the bathroom on his own anymore. His legs are barely twice the thickness of his cane. He is in extreme pain, even with the morphene they give him to help him manage his pain. Most of the time he is still with us, but there are times where he speaks and does not make sense. He is unable to swallow free flowing liquids like water easily, the doctors place him on a diet of more viscous liquids that his body can tolerate...this is mostly for his comfort as he is being given his nutrients and hydration intravenously at this point.

I have never seen my father this way before, and I feel helpless. I am completely at a loss. I don't even want to visit him at times, I can't very easily handle seeing him this way. I don't speak any Chinese and I don't even understand it that well, so without one of my sisters with me I'm not sure my father understands or even hears what I'm saying when I'm there. My father is still in the hospital at this point, being evaluated for hospice care.

So, 2007 has brought a great deal of tragedy for me and my family, on both sides. People argue about which is the better way to go, my sister's way which was very sudden, though she did not suffer as much as some her family is devastated. My father, who has suffered throughout the year, but we all have time to make peace with him, to be with him, ask him the questions we always wanted to ask, he can have a chance to say anything he's ever wanted to say...I doubt we will be any less devatated when he passes, we will only be more mentally prepared for it. So, in short there is no "better way" in my mind.

So, farewell to 2007. A year that has brought me a larger portion of life than I had cared to deal with. A year that taught me to change my expecations for 2008, where now I don't even ask for a 2008 that's happy. Not that I don't have hapiness as a goal for 2008, but now I think I would settle for a 2008 without tears, without sadness, without depression, without death, and maybe just a 2008 that was just boring and/or content. Happy would be great, but I think there is alot to be said for being able to just be content.

So, my personal wish for 2008, and for everyone else (and this will be the last cliche as I close this post) is for peace. Peace of mind, peace of spirit, peace of the heart, peace in our time.

Farewell 2007.

3 Comments:

Blogger Cow Nose the 50 Pound Cat said...

:') You are so awesome Aleena! Keep fighting the good fight!

11:00 AM  
Blogger wiseowl said...

I also encountered tears and death in 2007. As cow nose said, keep fighting the good fight. DB.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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12:51 AM  

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